Wrapping myself up in my fluffy comforter, inhaling the sweet smell of fabric softener, I could not feel more content. The window is pelted by rain, the only thing separating me from soaking in the freshness that pervades the earth. Steam curls from my mug of creamy hot chocolate--liquid mothering. I am safe. I am warm.
And I am restless.
Deep within me something stirs. An ache, a longing. Excitement bubbles up and then fizzles as it has no direction. I impatiently stretch my legs and fling away the once comforting blanket, now a textile constraint. I pace the room like caged lion, intuiting that his purpose is to prowl.
I stop in front of the mirror and subject myself to a meticulous inspection. So much I would love to change! I push back from the bureau on which the mirror regally rests and turn my back on the live portrait.
Why am I so restless?
I reach for one of many journals, a particularly beautiful one that was given to me eight years ago and is finally almost full. I scribble my frustrated thoughts, never caring about penmanship; an uneasy mind has no room to worry about something as mundane as crossing t's and dotting i's.
Page after page flies by and still--nothing. The angry outburst subsides and mellows into a reflection on what I would like to do with my life.
Suddenly, revelation dawns: I am not doing what I want to be doing.
I go to class, do homework, go to work, go to rehearsal, go to bed, eat if I have time. This monotonous ritual is literally sapping my creative energy, filling the emptiness with restlessness, and causing an apathetic lethargy that cannot be cured because I am not doing what I want to be doing.
A simple revelation, but earth shaking just the same.
Instantly, the keys to freedom are in my hand. But will I use them?
Will I take the opportunities around me to push myself to pursue my dreams? Will I use my time wisely so that when I do not have to be at one of the places I am committed to being (school, work, rehearsal) I am exercising my talents and gifts to actually do what I want to be doing?
I am on the brink of something. I stand on the edge of a cliff. I have run from my prison of inactivity and now face the decision to jump into the ocean and make my escape complete.
Of course, doubts flood my mind. What if I fail? What if I drown? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I cannot accomplish what I want? What if I get in my own way? What I am not actually following the voice of God? What if I am listening to my own voice? What if i am destroyed by the rocks at the bottom?
I block out the many voices of doubt in my mind. I focus on the choice before me.
Do I jump?
HECK YES.
Our doubts are traitors
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt.
~Shakespeare
To Jump or Not to Jump
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1 comments:
Glad to have you back writing. I've missed it. I agree, if we hesitate for the should of, could of would of, and all the what if's, we will never venture out of the harbor of safety into the great adventure of the unknown. Dare to dream! Dare to walk on water! You'll never know if you dodn't try. So you stumble, maybe even fall short or haste do we dae think...fail. At least, we tried. In the trying, we learn and in the learning, we grow.
Heck Yeah! A leap of faith starts with the first step off the cliff!
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