When I Was Weak, Unable to Speak, Still I Would Call You By Name

Posted by Naomi / at 2:45 PM / /

As an actress, I know what it's like to be melancholy. As much as I try to deny it, I get hit with bouts of sadness, loneliness, and feelings of worthlessness that seem paralyzing to all creative energies. I've learned how to come against it and drag myself up. The melancholy is usually due to a bad audition or worried thoughts about the future and are easily overcome by a boost of confidence, good audition, or the resolution to work harder and perform better.

But what about melancholy of the soul?

I find myself having a wonderful day when suddenly a thought crosses my mind that fills me with regret. A memory I've tried to repress pops up and condemns me with shame. A past decision creeps back to haunt me, paralyzing my confidence, demoralizing my heart, convincing me that my mistake can never be erased. I plunge from my mountain top to the depths of despair, melancholy festering beneath the surface of my forced smile.

Or possibly I wake up, lethargic and noncommittal, not really caring what happens today. I feel too drained to do anything productive. My spirit is not submerged in depression, but simply damp with the mist of melancholy.

Why is this? Why am I hit with hints of melancholy when I am usually so filled with joy? Why is it that the moment I relax my guard I am attacked?

You see, I believe that joy is a choice. God gives it to us freely, but we must choose to live and walk in joy. It's not always the easiest choice, especially when pity parties are so much fun, but it's a choice we need to make every day...sometimes every moment. When we are dragged down, rolling in the muck of our own misery, we must reach out a hand and choose joy. We must call out to the Giver of Joy and claim that which is rightfully ours. The joy of the Lord is our strength, the only strength we can use to climb out of our self-dug pits. Without joy, we have no strength and without strength, we can't do anything. I love how those two verses go together: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and "The joy of the Lord is my strength." Joy is vital. Without joy we have nothing. We don't have the strength to push away regret, to lift our heads out from under shame, to shake off misery, or to exchange tears of sadness for shouts of praise.

It starts with a simple cry to the One who provides for us. In that moment of weakness, I cry out, whimper, sob, scream, or whatever I have the strength for, and beg for rescue. All I need is a little joy, all I ask for is a small portion, but God in His infinite goodness, opens heaven and rains down all the joy I could ask for. I am literally soaked with joy and overflowing, able to fight off the storm of melancholy that is drenched in the holy rain of joy. In my weakness, God has given me a voice, a voice that can call out and plead for redemption.

And He always answers.

Rain Down