I was driving in the clear darkness of night listening to MercyMe and unconsciously singing along. My brain kicked in when it heard my voice sing, "Here am I, send me."
"What?" I thought to myself. "Do you really mean that?"
It got me thinking.
How many times do we raise our hands in response to an altar call that invites us to "do more for Jesus"?
How many times do we agree to go where He sends us?
How many times do we say, "Send me, Lord!"?
How many times do we say, "Not your will, but Yours be done"?
How many times do we open our lives up to Christ to be used as His vessel?
And how many times to we go right on living our own lives??
Or maybe it's just me.
Perhaps, I am alone in thinking that I offer my services up to God only to renege on my promise to Him.
What does it mean to say, "Here am I, send me"?
It means that I want to be used by God. It means that I want Him to choose me out of the crowd and bestow a special mission on me that will result in the salvation of the world...because I was the one who was sent.
How wrong is that???
I might as well say, "I'm here God and I'm comfortable. If I happen to be in a place where it wouldn't be too uncomfortable to share Your love--preferably with someone who knows you and preferably someone I know as well--then by all means, point me in the right direction and give me the right words and I'll say them and get the heck out of there!"
Strange that I am so excited about this love that God gives me, this grace that I revel in, this redemption I can't live without, and yet I don't share this excitement with hardly anyone.
For example, I have 678 friends on facebook (a small number compared to some) and I talk to maybe 15% of those "friends". Heck, I don't even know who half of them are. But yesterday, I posted for all the world and those 678 people to see that I bought a car. I was so excited! Here I was, advertising to anyone who wanted to know that I WAS EXCITED about something.
I'm not necessarily advocating "status witnessing"...you know, where you use your status to say something great about God and how great He is...I do that from time to time, but more as an extension of my thoughts than witnessing...in fact, it bothers me most of the time when it's plain that that is the reason for some people's statuses. But that aside!!!
I'm not saying that I should share my excitement about God on facebook, because let's face it: facebook is empty, shallow, and while a good communication tool, it is a poor relationship tool. What I am saying is that anyone I came in contact with yesterday whether on the phone, on facebook, at school, in a store, wherever!, could tell that I was excited about something. A car. A car! Something material! I was not afraid to say it to anyone who asked.
Yet, had my excitement been about how I felt God's presence so strongly, I probably would have shied away from explaining my real reason for excitement.
Here am I, Lord, send me.
Really?
I believe that this generation that is rising up has the potential to change the world. Never before have young people been so ambitious. Never before have they sought so hard for the truth. But where will they find it? What will their ambition be directed towards? What change will they create if God's people do not rise up first and actually mean the words they pray so flippantly?
Here I am. Send me in my school.
Here I am. Send me in my community.
Here I am. Send me in my neighborhood.
Here I am. Send me in my work.
Here I am. Send me at the beach. In the mall. On the bus. In the airport.
Here I am. Send me to my friends.
Here I am. Send me to my family.
Here I am. Send me in my household.
Before we can be sent to the whole world and fulfill Acts 1:8, we have to accept being sent in the lives we are living everyday. Each new day is so full of possibilities. Loosen the chains on your tongue and speak the word of God. Loosen the cuffs around your hands and praise the name of God. Loosen the shackles around your feet and spread the glory of God.
Here I am. Here you are. Send us, Lord. For real.
Here Am I, Send Me
Audacity
I am an audacious person.
It takes a lot of humility to admit that.
It takes a lot of audacity to say I have enough humility to admit I'm audacious.
Everyday I wake up in freedom. Freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom of religion. I have choices that I am allowed to make freely without the threat of someone beating down my door, dragging me outside, raping and mangling me, and then killing me because they didn't agree with my choices.
I have the freedom to choose what I am going to do, how I am going to live my life, and whom I am going to serve.
Or do I?
Do I really have that freedom? Well, sure, the Constitution allows me. And even God has given me free will.
And yet, with all my freedom, I am still an audacious person. And I am going to hell.
Stop gasping. Relax your shocked expression. I'm not the only one.
When was the last time I was on my knees, on my face before God? When is the last time I cried out to Him....really, truly cried out? When is the last time I examined and tested my life in the light of Scripture? When is the last time I repented of my wickedness?
I don't have an answer for you.
When is the last time I watched something unholy that filled me with unholy thoughts? Last night. When is the last time I had a thought that would not only be displeasing to God, it would literally make Him angry? A few minutes ago. When is the last time I failed? Every moment of every day. When is the last time I ignored the prompting of the Spirit? I can think of so many times.
I am not proud of this.
And yet, I am an audacious person.
Why?? Why do I consider myself an audacious person?
Because I walk around with the label "Christian" on my forehead and yet my life isn't proving that at all.
Where is my fruit?
Do not comfort me with Christian cliches. I don't need that. That's exactly the opposite of what I need.
I spend my days worried about being beautiful and well liked and having direction and fulfilling my dreams.
Shame on me.
This is not the weak misery of a self-pitying person. This is not the cry from the pit of despair, wallowing in a fit of depression.
This is the conviction of the Holy Spirit reminding me that I am walking on very thin ice. This is the Holy Spirit reminding me that my foundation is not very strong, that the house I am building on it will blow over by the breath of someone who talks fast and passionately.
WHO AM I TO CLAIM SALVATION FROM THE MIGHTY, HOLY, ONE TRUE GOD????????
I convince myself that I know Jesus, that I talk to Jesus. I convince myself that I am out of sorts and lazy and "don't feel" like being a true disciple today and will make up for it tomorrow. I convince myself that my sins are not so big, that I will overcome them one day, that I'm not all that bad.
I am lying to myself. I am nudging myself more and more towards the center of the broad way.
You see, I can lie with the best of them. I can be angrier than the worst of them. I have so much pride it's not even funny. I have evil thoughts that entertain themselves in my mind until they become actions. I burn with envy and hatred.
How many people have I murdered in my heart? How many people have I defiled in my heart?
I deserve every ounce of God's wrath and then some.
I am not pure. I am not holy. I am not blameless. I am not upright.
But I am audacious. And that is not a good thing.
Where is my fruit?
Where is my holiness?
Where is my heart?
Why am I not more like Jesus?
I should be becoming more like Him every day. I should be laying aside the things of this world. I should be actively finding the lost and leading them to the narrow way.
I should be. But I'm not.
My friends, we live under a lie that we are good enough. That we are making it. That one day we knock on heaven's gate and God will be happy to receive us. Is this true? Or are we lying to ourselves?
Unholiness cannot be in the presence of holiness.
On our own, we can never reach that state of holiness. We need Christ's blood and God's grace for that. And yes, grace and slavation are through faith alone. BUT WE HAVE TO FOLLOWING HIS COMMANDS AND LAWS IN ORDER TO STAY IN IT. WE HAVE TO BE BECOMING MORE LIKE HIM IN ORDER TO STAY IN IT. WE HAVE TO BE BEARING FRUIT.
Fruit doesn't mean holding campaigns and crusades. Fruit doesn't mean building a bigger church. Fruit doesn't mean the number of people you lead to Christ.
Fruit is love. When is the last time you truly handled a situation in love?
Fruit is joy. When is the last time you traded joy in for depression?
Fruit is peace. When is the last time you were anxious?
Fruit is kindness. When is the last time you were angry without a just cause?
Fruit is goodness. When is the last time you allowed the wickedness in your heart to overtake you?
Fruit is gentleness. Fruit is faithfulness. Fruit is patience. Fruit is self-control. You get the picture.
I am audacious enough to pick through the fruit of the Spirit and say, "I've got that, I'm working on that. Got that one down." Shame on me.
If I were to die right now, I don't know if Jesus would say that He knows me. Me. This good little Christian, pastor's kid, encouraging, expression, sweet, prayer partner, dreamer, filthy wretch of a person. I wouldn't if I were Him.
It's time for me to get back on my knees and not get up again. It's time for me to get my heart purified, not just "right with God." It's time for me to humbly beg for God's forgiveness, for His purity, for His grace, for His holiness to transform my life. It's time for me to lose the things of the world, the thoughts of the world, the ways of the world. It's time for me to build a strong foundation.
It's time for me to actually do it this time. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.....oh how true.
Longings
I have a longing to be beautiful. It really doesn't matter how many times I hear people say that I am...I don't always believe them. In fact, it's usually on the days that I feel I look great that I don't hear anything. That's unnerving.
Why do I waste my time wondering what other people think of me? And yet, most of the wasted time is worrying about what I think of me.
I have confidence. I know my assets. But I suppose what mars any outside beauty is my knowledge of inside ugliness. Just the longing for beauty...the vanity that rears its ugly head...is enough to destroy the image in the mirror.
So why this longing?
I am always attracted to beauty. Who isn't? God gave me a heart for beauty...in essence, a heart for Him because God is beauty.
I long to be beautiful because I long for complete purity of heart and soul. Perhaps until I see inside myself the woman Christ wants me to be I will not be able to appreciate what is outside.
This may be a backwards way to look at it, but then again, maybe focusing more on the inside than the outside is good.
A Low Day Continues Into Night
Crying.
Lonely.
Self pitying.
Wondering.
Doubting.
Melancholy.
Idle.
Emotional.
Bored.
Tired.
Weary.
Exhausted.
No purpose.
Annoyed.
Frustrated.
In need.
That's me.
Weakness
I am literally freaking out. I feel like my mind has been suspended from my body and I am not sane anymore. The paranoia that was serious, but rather comical, over the weekend has ceased to be comical and is now simply serious.
I am plagued by fear, tormented by imaginations, and constantly wrestling with my sanity. I mean this all quite literally.
I feel as King Saul must have felt when he needed David to soothe his spirit.
I have not been able to sleep much this weekend or this week. My nights are wracked with worry as each sound springs my eyelids open and I am forced to check the surroundings for signs of life other than mine. I lie there, fearing the moment when sleep does take over for my defenses will be down and I can no longer fend for myself.
The sun comes up, my alarm sings out, and my head throbs with pain for no nourishment was received in the last hour or two of fitful dozing. I stumble through the motions of being awake, longing for the moment I can again close my eyes without apprehension.
I really do fear I am losing it. My exhaustion leads to a weakening of the mind. Doubt creeps in--about everything! Should I be attending this school? Should I be studying this school? Why can't I find a job? Should I find a closer place to live? Should I go home??? Why was I so eager and stupid?? Why can't I be more frugal and less foolish with money?? If I was created to have a sound mind, where is it now?
It would be a situation I would normally scoff at, but it has been six days now. SIX DAYS of agonizing torture.
The question is no longer "When will I sleep well again?" It is now "Will I ever sleep well again??"
I must have faith that God will save me before it is too late. I mean this in all seriousness and with very little drama. I must trust that He gives His beloved sweet sleep and that I am His beloved. I must hold on the promise that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. I know that God is not the author of confusion but of peace, so I must swear by that.
I'm just so tired. And so tired of being tired.
Dreamers Of Today
Why do some people get a chance to pursue their dreams and others don't?
Is it a lack of ambition? Some people just don't dream bigger than their surroundings. They are okay with the cards life has dealt them and don't care to try anything outside of their comfort zones. Taking the job that is offered them, living the American dream is dream enough for them.
Is it lack of opportunity? There are a ton of dreamers out there who are suppressed by the circumstances they have been born or thrust into. They struggle against their environment but to no avail. A few squeeze through the darkness that oppresses them, but this is a rare occasion. Movies are usually made about these people.
This is something I just cannot understand. What makes one person's dreams more important than another's? Why do I have the opportunity to pursue the further education that will help me accomplish my goals and other people don't? Is it God's will that some people are forced to wallow in their miserable, hopeless lives?
I'm a dreamer by nature. I dream every day. I intend to accomplish each one. I want to encourage others to do the same. But what about those who refuse to? What about those who can't see any reason to?
I don't pretend to understand God's mind at all, but I do wish this was something I could understand.
My heart is heavy for those without dreams. It must be a very bleak existence.
