"Hear my prayer, O Lord; let not my soul faint under thy discipline, nor let me faint in confessing unto thee thy mercies, whereby thou hast saved me from all my most wicked ways till thou shouldst become sweet to me beyond all the allurements that I used to follow. Let me come to love thee wholly, and grasp thy hand with my whole heart that thou mayest deliver me from every temptation, even unto the last. And thus, O Lord, my King and my God, may all things useful that I learned as a boy now be offered in thy service--let it be that for thy service I now speak and write and reckon. For when I was learning vain things, thou didst impose thy discipline upon me: and thou hast forgiven me my sin of delighting in those vanities. In those studies I learned many a useful word, but these might have been learned in matters not so vain; and surely that is the safe way for youths to walk in."~St. Augustine's Confessions

Weakness

Posted by Naomi / at 12:39 PM / /


I am literally freaking out. I feel like my mind has been suspended from my body and I am not sane anymore. The paranoia that was serious, but rather comical, over the weekend has ceased to be comical and is now simply serious.

I am plagued by fear, tormented by imaginations, and constantly wrestling with my sanity. I mean this all quite literally.

I feel as King Saul must have felt when he needed David to soothe his spirit.

I have not been able to sleep much this weekend or this week. My nights are wracked with worry as each sound springs my eyelids open and I am forced to check the surroundings for signs of life other than mine. I lie there, fearing the moment when sleep does take over for my defenses will be down and I can no longer fend for myself.

The sun comes up, my alarm sings out, and my head throbs with pain for no nourishment was received in the last hour or two of fitful dozing. I stumble through the motions of being awake, longing for the moment I can again close my eyes without apprehension.

I really do fear I am losing it. My exhaustion leads to a weakening of the mind. Doubt creeps in--about everything! Should I be attending this school? Should I be studying this school? Why can't I find a job? Should I find a closer place to live? Should I go home??? Why was I so eager and stupid?? Why can't I be more frugal and less foolish with money?? If I was created to have a sound mind, where is it now?

It would be a situation I would normally scoff at, but it has been six days now. SIX DAYS of agonizing torture.

The question is no longer "When will I sleep well again?" It is now "Will I ever sleep well again??"

I must have faith that God will save me before it is too late. I mean this in all seriousness and with very little drama. I must trust that He gives His beloved sweet sleep and that I am His beloved. I must hold on the promise that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. I know that God is not the author of confusion but of peace, so I must swear by that.

I'm just so tired. And so tired of being tired.

 

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