Audacity

Posted by Naomi / at 8:37 AM / /

I am an audacious person.

It takes a lot of humility to admit that.

It takes a lot of audacity to say I have enough humility to admit I'm audacious.

Everyday I wake up in freedom. Freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom of religion. I have choices that I am allowed to make freely without the threat of someone beating down my door, dragging me outside, raping and mangling me, and then killing me because they didn't agree with my choices.

I have the freedom to choose what I am going to do, how I am going to live my life, and whom I am going to serve.

Or do I?

Do I really have that freedom? Well, sure, the Constitution allows me. And even God has given me free will.

And yet, with all my freedom, I am still an audacious person. And I am going to hell.

Stop gasping. Relax your shocked expression. I'm not the only one.

When was the last time I was on my knees, on my face before God? When is the last time I cried out to Him....really, truly cried out? When is the last time I examined and tested my life in the light of Scripture? When is the last time I repented of my wickedness?

I don't have an answer for you.

When is the last time I watched something unholy that filled me with unholy thoughts? Last night. When is the last time I had a thought that would not only be displeasing to God, it would literally make Him angry? A few minutes ago. When is the last time I failed? Every moment of every day. When is the last time I ignored the prompting of the Spirit? I can think of so many times.

I am not proud of this.

And yet, I am an audacious person.

Why?? Why do I consider myself an audacious person?

Because I walk around with the label "Christian" on my forehead and yet my life isn't proving that at all.

Where is my fruit?

Do not comfort me with Christian cliches. I don't need that. That's exactly the opposite of what I need.

I spend my days worried about being beautiful and well liked and having direction and fulfilling my dreams.

Shame on me.

This is not the weak misery of a self-pitying person. This is not the cry from the pit of despair, wallowing in a fit of depression.

This is the conviction of the Holy Spirit reminding me that I am walking on very thin ice. This is the Holy Spirit reminding me that my foundation is not very strong, that the house I am building on it will blow over by the breath of someone who talks fast and passionately.

WHO AM I TO CLAIM SALVATION FROM THE MIGHTY, HOLY, ONE TRUE GOD????????

I convince myself that I know Jesus, that I talk to Jesus. I convince myself that I am out of sorts and lazy and "don't feel" like being a true disciple today and will make up for it tomorrow. I convince myself that my sins are not so big, that I will overcome them one day, that I'm not all that bad.

I am lying to myself. I am nudging myself more and more towards the center of the broad way.

You see, I can lie with the best of them. I can be angrier than the worst of them. I have so much pride it's not even funny. I have evil thoughts that entertain themselves in my mind until they become actions. I burn with envy and hatred.

How many people have I murdered in my heart? How many people have I defiled in my heart?

I deserve every ounce of God's wrath and then some.

I am not pure. I am not holy. I am not blameless. I am not upright.

But I am audacious. And that is not a good thing.

Where is my fruit?

Where is my holiness?

Where is my heart?

Why am I not more like Jesus?

I should be becoming more like Him every day. I should be laying aside the things of this world. I should be actively finding the lost and leading them to the narrow way.

I should be. But I'm not.

My friends, we live under a lie that we are good enough. That we are making it. That one day we knock on heaven's gate and God will be happy to receive us. Is this true? Or are we lying to ourselves?

Unholiness cannot be in the presence of holiness.

On our own, we can never reach that state of holiness. We need Christ's blood and God's grace for that. And yes, grace and slavation are through faith alone. BUT WE HAVE TO FOLLOWING HIS COMMANDS AND LAWS IN ORDER TO STAY IN IT. WE HAVE TO BE BECOMING MORE LIKE HIM IN ORDER TO STAY IN IT. WE HAVE TO BE BEARING FRUIT.

Fruit doesn't mean holding campaigns and crusades. Fruit doesn't mean building a bigger church. Fruit doesn't mean the number of people you lead to Christ.

Fruit is love. When is the last time you truly handled a situation in love?

Fruit is joy. When is the last time you traded joy in for depression?

Fruit is peace. When is the last time you were anxious?

Fruit is kindness. When is the last time you were angry without a just cause?

Fruit is goodness. When is the last time you allowed the wickedness in your heart to overtake you?

Fruit is gentleness. Fruit is faithfulness. Fruit is patience. Fruit is self-control. You get the picture.

I am audacious enough to pick through the fruit of the Spirit and say, "I've got that, I'm working on that. Got that one down." Shame on me.

If I were to die right now, I don't know if Jesus would say that He knows me. Me. This good little Christian, pastor's kid, encouraging, expression, sweet, prayer partner, dreamer, filthy wretch of a person. I wouldn't if I were Him.

It's time for me to get back on my knees and not get up again. It's time for me to get my heart purified, not just "right with God." It's time for me to humbly beg for God's forgiveness, for His purity, for His grace, for His holiness to transform my life. It's time for me to lose the things of the world, the thoughts of the world, the ways of the world. It's time for me to build a strong foundation.

It's time for me to actually do it this time. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.....oh how true.