Blind Man's Bluff

Posted by Naomi / at 9:39 PM / /

Do you remember that game? I can barely remember ever playing it. Perhaps I only know it from books and movies. "Secret Garden" has a round of it just before Collin's dad realizes Collin is walking. Kind of a nice moment.

Basically, one person is blind folded and the rest of the children scatter and the poor blindfolded child has to try to find them. Another version would be Marco Polo, often played in pools nowadays.

I always hated Marco Polo.

I feel trapped in an eternal game of Blind Man's Bluff. I am blindfolded and spun around a few times (like just before hitting a pinata or playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey) so that I'm disoriented, and then told to "go!"

Go? Go where? Do what? What is my goal?

But before I can find out, everyone scatters. Perhaps they even leave. Perhaps they are gone completely. So I wander about, swatting the air, trying to feel my way....somewhere.

Where?

I'm not even sure.

And for all I know, we are playing by an actual bluff or cliff that I might go over at any point. Perhaps I will. What then?

All this vain striving is ridiculously exhausting. I am weakened down to my very core. My heart is heavy and full for unexplainable reasons. Not that I am unwilling to explain, but that I am unable to explain. By all accounts I should be bursting with joy or at reveling in contentment. Instead, I am restless, agitated, and frustrated.

Taking on the impossible is daunting.

But nothing is impossible for God. Nothing.

Am I trying to take it on by myself? Surely I will fail then.

"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it....Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air." 1 Cor. 9:24, 26

How can I run if I am blindfolded? How I can I fight if I can not see?

What is this blindfold anyway??? Is it uncertainty? The looming impossible growing closer and closer? Fear? Doubt? Feelings of inadequacy? Simply not being able to see the future?

I have such vision. I have never yet failed to see a vision come to pass. Yes, I'm only 23. But I believe that God gives me certain visions and then the means and strength to see them realized.

Perhaps like the main character in our play, I base my worth on performance. Perhaps I feel my value comes from the acceptance, affirmation, and attention of others.

To a certain extent, yes. Everyone loves applause.

But on the whole, no. I am me. God created me specifically with a purpose in mind. He has plans to give me a hope and future. A future that includes so many possibilities.

I wish I could see through this blindfold and stare at the visions I KNOW are before me. Perhaps it is as simple as taking it off.

If only I knew what it was....

The funny thing is, not only do I feel deaf and blind, I also feel like if I am suddenly able to see and hear and that it will be overwhelming and not at all what I expected. Perhaps part of me desires to remain deaf and blind. Perhaps it is simply easier that way.

But it isn't! I hate "beating the air" in vain. Is all this striving and struggling worth it??

Of course it is. For from the struggle, the butterfly gains strength to unfold her wings and take flight. Without the struggle there is no soaring.

Okay, then. I'm struggling. When can I soar? Can it be soon?

Please?

A friend of mine is a singer/songwriter and has somehow captured all of these thoughts in a poignant song. Below are the lyrics. If you'd like to actually hear it, you can go to his myspace music profile and listen. http://www.myspace.com/jonathanregier

"unseen"

I don't know where I am going
I don't know where I've been
But if you know what I'm after
Would you care to let me in?
Would you care to let me in?

Walking right beside me
Another man sees so clear
He follows what he is after
So why can I not hear?
So why can I not hear?

A bird soars in the sky
A fish swims in the sea
A star lights up the night
Is there a place for me?

Lost along this journey
I look but do not see
Alone my strength could falter
Does anyone believe in me?
Does anyone believe in me?

A bird soars in the sky
A fish swims in the sea
A star lights up the night
Is there a place for me?

What would make you smile?

It seems that I have so many friends here who are able to pick up a guitar or sit at the piano and pour out a song of hope or desperation or longing or whatever they are feeling. I envy them for that. So much. I can sing my song, yes, but I am unable to simply let it pour forth from my fingers and allow the aching in my spirit to manifest in beautiful or painful or even wretched music. I feel as though I could have written an album of songs tonight. But I suppose my ability lies in words. Anyone can write, though. It takes someone special to write and play music. I wish I could.

Marco.....