Every once in awhile when I want to empower myself, the thought "I am invincible!" crosses my mind. I guess that thought surfaces from my subconscious to encourage the creator in me to just get out there and create without restraint or fear of judgment, rejection, condemnation, embarrassment, or failure.
But I don't really like that thought. Actually, I quite hate it. It's so prideful. And so false.
I am so weak. God is so strong.
Nothing is impossible for God.
GOD is invincible.
Now that's a thought I can live with.
If He chooses to do the impossible (or even what I alone deem impossible) through me, then glory be to His name - because it will certainly be obvious that it was His strength.
That's the way I prefer it, anyway. Why mess with pride anymore? Not gonna. Done.
Soli Deo Gloria.
Killing My Pride
God Lessons
God lessons are the best. And the worst. So absolutely painful, and yet so absolutely fulfilling. They truly have a contradictory relationship.
I am happy - if "happy" is the right term - to say that I have been learning lesson after lesson in God's school. I wish I could say I pass every test given, but I fear that I have failed quite a bit. Not to worry, though, as it is through the failures that I discover what I still need to learn.
It's interesting, isn't it, that God would love us so much to want to develop our character. We could just be mindless autobots worshiping Him incessantly. I'm so encouraged that He came to give us life and life more abundantly. We don't surrender our right to free will when we come into His fold; we align our free will with His perfect will and surrender the need to do it our way.
I battle the need to control daily. But I'm wondering if the solution to that is not "giving up control" like we are told constantly. I wonder if the solution is to....well, actually, I don't know. I was going to say something about controlling ourselves into a constant state of laying down control, if that makes sense. But perhaps the solution truly is to lay down control. Hmm...that was rambling and vague.
What I know to be true above all else is that I need grace, daily. By the second. Married to that truth is the truth that God is faithful. Consistently. And to that all I can say is, "Hallelujah." A simple word whispered, shouted, sung, spoken with the utmost awe and gratefulness.
Hallelujah that God is taking me on a journey of character development and nearing His perfection.
Hallelujah that God Himself is on this journey with me.
Hallelujah that His grace is faithful when I fall flat on my face...my knees....
Hallelujah that though I don't have solutions, He has promises. Promises faithfully kept.
Hallelujah that He provides companions on the journey.
Hallelujah that He is all I need - even more than I need character, solutions, control, etc, etc, etc.
Hallelujah that He is in the midst of my every moment, even when I don't "feel" Him.
Hallelujah that He is nothing like me and yet I am something like Him, and becoming more so every day.
Hallelujah for His mercy! Hallelujah for His grace! Hallelujah for His love!
Hallelujah.
Some of my favorite lyrics are below....they sum it all up for me. :)
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to
Blind Man's Bluff
Do you remember that game? I can barely remember ever playing it. Perhaps I only know it from books and movies. "Secret Garden" has a round of it just before Collin's dad realizes Collin is walking. Kind of a nice moment.
Basically, one person is blind folded and the rest of the children scatter and the poor blindfolded child has to try t
o find them. Another version would be Marco Polo, often played in pools nowadays.
I always hated Marco Polo.
I feel trapped in an eternal game of Blind Man's Bluff. I am blindfolded and spun around a few times (like just before hitting a pinata or playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey) so that I'm disoriented, and then told to "go!"
Go? Go where? Do what? What is my goal?
But before I can find out, everyone scatters. Perhaps they even leave. Perhaps they are gone completely. So I wander about, swatting the air, trying to feel my way....somewhere.
Where?
I'm not even sure.
And for all I know, we are playing by an actual bluff or cliff that I might go over at any point. Perhaps I will. What then?
All this vain striving is ridiculously exhausting. I am weakened down to my very core. My heart is heavy and full for unexplainable reasons. Not that I am unwilling to explain, but that I am unable to explain. By all accounts I should be bursting with joy or at reveling in contentment. Instead, I am restless, agitated, and frustrated.
Taking on the impossible is daunting.
But nothing is impossible for God. Nothing.
Am I trying to take it on by myself? Surely I will fail then.
"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it....Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air." 1 Cor. 9:24, 26
How can I run if I am blindfolded? How I can I fight if I can not see?
What is this blindfold anyway??? Is it uncertainty? The looming impossible growing closer and closer? Fear? Doubt? Feelings of inadequacy? Simply not being able to see the future?
I have such vision. I have never yet failed to see a vision come to pass. Yes, I'm only 23. But I believe that God gives me certain visions and then the means and strength to see them realized.
Perhaps like the main character in our play, I base my worth on performance. Perhaps I feel my value comes from the acceptance, affirmation, and attention of others.
To a certain extent, yes. Everyone loves applause.
But on the whole, no. I am me. God created me specifically with a purpose in mind. He has plans to give me a hope and future. A future that includes so many possibilities.
I wish I could see through this blindfold and stare at the visions I KNOW are before me. Perhaps it is as simple as taking it off.
If only I knew what it was....
The funny thing is, not only do I feel deaf and blind, I also feel like if I am suddenly able to see and hear and that it will be overwhelming and not at all what I expected. Perhaps part of me desires to remain deaf and blind. Perhaps it is simply easier that way.
But it isn't! I hate "beating the air" in vain. Is all this striving and struggling worth it??
Of course it is. For from the struggle, the butterfly gains strength to unfold her wings and take flight. Without the struggle there is no soaring.
Okay, then. I'm struggling. When can I soar? Can it be soon?
Please?
A friend of mine is a singer/songwriter and has somehow captured all of these thoughts in a poignant song. Below are the lyrics. If you'd like to actually hear it, you can go to his myspace music profile and listen. http://www.myspace.com/jonathanregier
"unseen"
I don't know where I am going
I don't know where I've been
But if you know what I'm after
Would you care to let me in?
Would you care to let me in?
Walking right beside me
Another man sees so clear
He follows what he is after
So why can I not hear?
So why can I not hear?
A bird soars in the sky
A fish swims in the sea
A star lights up the night
Is there a place for me?
Lost along this journey
I look but do not see
Alone my strength could falter
Does anyone believe in me?
Does anyone believe in me?
A bird soars in the sky
A fish swims in the sea
A star lights up the night
Is there a place for me?
What would make you smile?
It seems that I have so many friends here who are able to pick up a guitar or sit at the piano and pour out a song of hope or desperation or longing or whatever they are feeling. I envy them for that. So much. I can sing my song, yes, but I am unable to simply let it pour forth from my fingers and allow the aching in my spirit to manifest in beautiful or painful or even wretched music. I feel as though I could have written an album of songs tonight. But I suppose my ability lies in words. Anyone can write, though. It takes someone special to write and play music. I wish I could.
Marco.....
Time.....
Why does time seem to be slipping by so quickly and yet dragging so slowly? There is not enough time in the day, but events you look forward to seem so far away. The ones you dread loom in the distance with no escape, coming closer and closer, faster and faster.
My every thought is filled with daydreams, schedules, and lists all running together like a cacophonous tribe of demanding children. Choosing which to entertain for the moment is impossible as they intertwine and steal focus. Oh wouldn't it be nice to have nothing to think of! To be perfectly happy without a cloud in the sky! To lie on an exotic beach or ramble through the wooded mountains or explore a tucked away bookstore or admire ancient works in a museum.
And yet...I'm not even sure if that would make me happy.
I AM happy. There is nothing questionable about my happiness. There are even moments when one might declare me giddy! Yet, there seems to be so much I must do and have no idea of even how to start accomplishing it. And meanwhile....time ticks on.....and on...and on...
Time is cruel. And wonderful. And horrible. And kind. It's so complex and yet so simple.
There are some things I can't wait to finish. There are some things I am impatient to begin. And all rely on time.
We are so dependent on time! The horrid reality is that one day someone is going to say, "Time's up!" How many things will be left undone? What will not have been accomplished? Will it even matter? How will I feel when that happens? It could happen right now! Oddly, I wouldn't mind. I love my life, but eternity with Jesus? So much better.
Yet there are so many things I want to do on this earth still. Time is a friend.
I just have to keep reminding myself of that.
